Grief FAQ

Simplicity’s experienced funeral directors answer some Frequently Asked Questions on the topic of grief. We hope these tips can assist you to cope with grief in different situations.

What are the symptoms of grief?
How do I cope with grief?
Is it normal to feel so confused?
How long can I expect grief to last?
Is showing my grief a weakness?
Is it ok to talk about my grief with friends - I don't want to burden them?
Someone has committed suicide, how can I understand why?
What are the warning signs my teenager is having serious problems dealing with grief?
How do I help a child deal with grief?
What can I say to a grieving person?
My grief is for someone from another culture - what should I do?
Does Simplicity offer support for grief management?

What are the symptoms of grief?

• A lack of energy and general fatigue
• Headaches and upset stomach
• Excessive sleeping or the drive to overwork or be excessively active
• Memory lapses, distraction, and preoccupation
• Irritability
• Depression or feelings of euphoria
• Extreme anger or a deep resignation to the situation
• Feelings of being closer to their faith or feelings of anger and outrage at their faith.

How do I cope with grief?

Grief is not well understood by our society and it is not easy for people to deal with. The main way to manage grief is to let these feelings come and to give yourself time to change to your new circumstances.

You will change. Your routine will change. Your moods will change. In some ways life will never be the same, but at the same time you'll find strength, peace and hope you might not know you had inside you.

Everyone deals with grief differently. Even members of the same family will show grief in different ways, and can recover from grief at different times. Understanding that grief is a personal experience can help you to understand your own actions and emotions and those of others.

Common reactions to grief are:

• Crying (I can’t cry or will I ever stop crying)
• Anger (It’s not fair)
• Relief (I’m glad the suffering is over)
• Shock (I can’t take it in)
• Numbness (My body seems to be on ‘auto pilot’)
• Guilt (If only I could turn the clock back)
• Frustration (Why don’t people understand me)
• Panic (How will I cope)
• Depression (I don’t care anymore)
• Fear (What if I can’t cope)
• Low Energy (I’m too tired)
• Confusion (I can’t think straight)
• Rejection (How could they do this to me)
• Emptiness (I feel like something is always missing).

Is it normal to feel so confused?

Yes. Experiencing a loss affects almost all parts of your body and mind, so you may experience confusion, disorganisation, fear, guilt, relief or explosive emotions.

Sometimes these emotions can follow each other within a short period of time, or they may occur all at once. As strange as it may seem, these are normal and healthy reactions. Allow yourself to learn from these emotions, like finding out what triggers them. It is also helpful to find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.

How long can I expect grief to last?

Unfortunately, there is no set answer because each person and their situation is different. It could take months, a few years or even longer. Someone very important to you is gone and that reality will always remain with you, and it hurts.

Some people may think we should've 'got over it' by six months, but this is usually very unrealistic. However, in time you will begin to deal with your sense of loss.

Even still, grief may strike without a moment’s notice when you hear a song, see a photo, or smell a fragrance. Give yourself permission for this to happen. With support, patience and effort, you will survive grief.

Is showing my grief a weakness?

No, your grief is not a sign of weakness or poor coping skills, it is a normal and healthy part of the healing process.

It might seem impossible to you now, but most people adjust to loss. You can do it too. This does not mean that your grief will be ‘cured’ or that you should forget the person who has died. Even in years to come there might be occasions when you will still feel sad.

It is best not to put a time frame on the whole experience of grief. This creates unrealistic expectations and doesn’t allow for individual differences. To deal with grief and face the changes in your life you may need to:

• Talk about it (it will help let it sink in)
• Look after yourself (eat, drink, sleep, get fresh air and try to avoid alcohol and sedatives)
• Ask for help (don’t think you have to cope on your own)
• Understand your friends (friends can be impatient so tell them what you feel and share your grief)
• Be aware of advice givers (don’t allow people to entice you into replacing or avoiding your grief - e.g. going on holidays or buying a car)
• Be prepared for ups and downs (memories sparked by birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions can bring you down. You need to find a way to remember the person that brings you comfort- e.g. visiting the cemetery).

Is it ok to talk about my grief to friends – I don’t want to burden them?

Yes, you should express your grief openly. By sharing your grief the healing can begin to occur. Ignoring your grief won't make it go away, and talking about it can generally help to make you feel better.

Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn't mean you are losing control, or going "crazy". It is a normal part of your grief journey. Find caring friends and relatives who will listen without judging.

Avoid people who are critical or who try to steal your grief from you. They may tell you, "keep your chin up" or "carry on", or "be happy." These comments may be well intended but you do not have to accept them. You have a right to express your grief and no one has the right to take it away.

Someone has committed suicide, how can I understand why?

A loss due to suicide can be among the most difficult losses to bear and it can leave family and friends with a lot of unanswered questions. If you are finding it hard to come to terms with the suicide of someone close then counselling may be helpful.

It is common for people to think that "if only I'd known they were in need of help," however people thinking about suicide often keep their distress to themselves. Except in unusual circumstances, no one is to blame for the suicide.

When a person commits suicide they are often so distressed that they cannot see that they have other options, like reaching out to the people that love them. This can be very hurtful for the people left behind.

What are the warning signs that my teenager is having serious problems dealing with grief?

Teenagers can be particularly affected when a school friend or family member dies because their grief can become complicated by the usual ups and downs of adolescence. Their need to appear ‘grown up’ in front of friends or their family can result in isolation and difficulty in asking for help or expressing feelings.

Teenagers experiencing grief and loss may show one or more of these signs:

• An extended period of depression where the teen loses interest in daily activities and events
• They cannot sleep or lose their appetite
• They have a fear of being alone
• They act much younger than their age for an extended period
• They excessively imitate the dead person
• They say often that they want to join the dead person
• They withdraw from friends
• Their school performance drops or they refuse to attend school
• A lack of concentration
• They are over-active
• Drug and/or alcohol use
• Risk-taking behaviour
• Promiscuity
• Self-destructive, antisocial, or criminal behaviour
• Suicidal thoughts.

If these signs are obvious then it may be a good idea to seek professional help.

How do I help a child deal with grief?

Grief also affects children. Like adults, children react to the news of death individually and might have unexpected responses. Being curious and full of questions may be more common for some children than sadness.

No matter the age of the child, adults should not hide their own tears from them – your grief can show them they do not need to be ashamed or scared to express their own feelings. If children don’t have good role models in dealing with grief they might learn unhelpful ways of coping. They may mask their feelings or believe that they must bear their hurt, confusion, questions, anger or fear on their own.

As the loss sinks in, some children may show their grief by changed behaviour, like angry outbursts or a lack of interest in their usual activities or schoolwork.

Fears may surface like - “Who’s going to look after us now?” “Will we have to move house?” “I’m afraid to go to sleep.” “I don’t understand what’s going on.”

Children are best helped by adults who give them clear and honest explanations about death and who allow tears or other feelings to surface without criticism or rejection.

Often cuddles, hugs and some quiet time together will satisfy a child who is feeling frightened or unsure about the changes happening in the family.

What can I say to a grieving person?

It can be hard to know just what to say when you know someone who’s grieving. The first step is not to think you have to cheer them up – it’s perfectly normal and natural for grieving people to feel sad, angry, numb, scared, lonely or down in the dumps.

Saying something like, “I’m sorry” is simple but can mean so much to someone who is grieving. They often just need someone to talk to, someone who’ll let them share their feelings and their memories.

• DO allow the person to cry and show how they feel – grief is for men and women, boys and girls, young and old.
• DON’T say “be brave” or “be strong” as it encourages people to bottle up their feelings.
• DO talk about the person who’s died – say their name and be willing to hear about the circumstances of the death – this all helps the reality of the loss to sink in which is an important part of grieving.
• DON’T say, “I know how you feel” – we can never feel another’s inner feelings, or fully know all the things that are part of someone else’s grief.
• DO offer practical help – buy groceries, mind children, mow lawns, do the ironing, cook meals – not just in the days straight after the death but in the months to come when the real effect of the death is often being felt.
• DON’T forget special days like birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas – these can be very lonely when someone special has died. A card or phone call on a day like this could be very special.

My grief is for someone from another culture, what should I do?

All grief is personal and you should be able to deal with grief in the way that is most helpful to you, but the same is true for other people who also miss your loved one, even if they are from a culture that deals with grief in a different way.

Each culture has its own different mourning ceremonies, traditions, and behaviours to express grief. For example, some peoples’ belief in a life or existence after death helps them deal with the pain of the loss while others believe they will be born again to a better life. In some cultures, the spirit of a deceased loved one directly influences the living, and bereaved family members may be comforted by knowing that their loved one is watching over them.

Respecting your own process for dealing with grief, and those of any other people affected by this loss, gives you the best chance of being able to share your memories and feelings with these people in the years ahead.

Does Simplicity offer support for grief management?

Simplicity's funeral homes provide after care for those dealing with grief. For some people, this may take the form of some follow up contact after the funeral. Other people might like to hear one of our funeral directors deliver information to groups that nurture and support these people to cope with grief.

Simplicity's seminars on grief management focus on the nature of grief, the effects of different sorts of bereavement and on the communication skills necessary to respond effectively to those grieving.

Our courses are ideal for people who have experienced loss, for carers, volunteers, business, school and church communities as well as counsellors and medical professionals.

[link] Visit our events page to view information on grief workshops [link].

If you would like a Simplicity funeral director to come and provide tips to your group about Coping with Grief, call 1300 556 222.